When it comes to supporting someone going through a difficult time, preparing for the conversation can help you feel confident in your approach. But what about once someone has opened up? How do we keep the conversation going and help them feel comfortable with the uncomfortable?
Whether you are a friend, relative, colleague or neighbour, there are steps you can take to create a safe environment for someone to talk about their mental health.
Give them time
Before initiating a conversation, make sure you are not in a rush (for example, in between meetings or before an appointment). Talking about mental health problems can be difficult, so it is important you choose somewhere private and allow time for them to talk.
Take their lead and make it clear they can talk as much, or as little, as they are comfortable with. You might like to say, ‘I know this might be difficult for you to talk about, so take your time. I am here to listen’.
Giving time also means allowing them to pause and reflect. Try not to fill silences, interrupt or finish their sentences if they pause. They might be processing their feelings or trying to find the right words.
Show appreciation
People may fear talking about their struggles because they don’t want to ‘burden’ others. A simple way to make someone feel comfortable is by acknowledging what they are going through and thanking them for sharing with you.
You might like to say ‘What you are going through must be difficult. I really appreciate you talking to me about it. I care and I want to help’.
Listen to understand, not respond
Sometimes during conversations, we think about our response while the other person is talking. This can mean we miss out on key information they are sharing or we may come across as disinterested.
You do not need to solve their problems to be supportive. Actively listening, showing empathy and being accepting will allow them to talk about their feelings and get things off their chest.
To be a good listener, you can:
- Sit alongside them, angled towards them, rather than directly opposite
- Maintain an open body position (e.g. not crossing your arms or turning away)
- Avoid distracting gestures (e.g. fidgeting, glancing at other things, tapping feet or fingers)
- Ask open ended questions to give them the opportunity to say what they want (e.g. ‘How are you feeling?’ rather than ‘Are you feeling sad?’)
- Avoid dismissive or trivialising statements (e.g. ‘cheer up’, ‘tomorrow will be better’, ‘it will work out’ or ‘don’t stress’)
- Check your understanding by restating what they have said or summarising
- Ask questions that show you genuinely want to understand what they are saying
- Use prompts when necessary to show you are listening and to keep the conversation going (e.g. ‘I see’, ‘Mmm’ or ‘Okay, yes’)
- If the person holds stigmatising attitudes towards mental illness, do your best to model acceptance.
Let them feel, without judgement
They might experience a range of emotions when talking to you. If they are irritable, short or angry, try not to take it personally. If they get upset or start to cry, let them know it is okay to show emotions and express how they feel.
Although you may not be able to understand exactly how they feel, giving them space to express themselves in their own way will encourage them to continue talking.
Follow their lead
There is a difference between keeping the conversation going and pressuring someone to talk when they are not ready.
If they do not want to answer certain questions or wish to end the conversation, avoid putting pressure on them to open up. Let them know you are available to talk when they are ready.
They might not feel comfortable talking about their feelings face to face. Ask their preference for communicating (in person, over the phone or written). You may also like to suggest doing an activity together that can help keep the conversation going (for example, going for a walk, getting a coffee or kicking a ball).
Offer ongoing support
If you’re following the ALGEE action plan, you might already encourage support pathways for them – whether it’s professional support like doctors or counsellors, or other supports like a support group or activity.
You can also check in to see if the conversation has been helpful, and if there is anything else you can do to support them. Let them know that you care about them and if they need to talk again, you are there to listen.
Be clear about the support you can offer and avoid making promises you cannot keep.
After the conversation
When listening non-judgmentally to support and help others, our own opinions and beliefs may need to be put aside for the duration of the conversation. Then after, you may wish to re-center yourself and debrief with a trusted friend or family member. This can help address any issues the conversation has brought up for you and reconnect to your core beliefs and values.
If you feel upset, confused, worried or drained, it can be helpful to seek additional forms of support. If you do talk to someone, remember to avoid sharing the name of the person you helped, and instead focus on the effect it has had on you.
It can also be helpful to do things that improve your mood or clear your mind. Going for a walk, engaging in an activity or hobby (painting, doing a puzzle) and meditating are just some ideas that people find helpful. Do what works for you and what you find enjoyable.
